Whitesheep, you responded to my story about learning to love myself as a small child by looking again at an old family photograph (actually, just my sister and me). From what I can see there are some real glimmers of light in your post, although I doubt if you can see them. I'll tell you what they are, and also say why. As a reminder to all I'll paste Whitesheep's post in pieces as I respond.

Whitesheep...
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"Just before the breakdown of my marriage my sister told me something that until now made me laugh:
Her fridge door featured a family christmas card and while she was out of the room a new friend of her's was looking at it. Sis reported that the friend asked questions about the occassion, the setting and the people in the picture. "And who's the good-looking one?" the new friend asked. "Oh, that's my brother Zane (me)," sis called back. "How did you know I meant him? Is that what you call him?" she said with a chuckle. "No," said sis "that's what he calls himself," laughs all around.

Until this very moment I thought this was funny too. I can guarantee you that I've never in my life identified myself as "the good looking one" or even thought as much but I see that's what my sister thought and projected onto me. In an email she sent me in the fall she said something like "your looks and charm are what have sustained you." I corrected her by saying, in fact, my hard work and talent have seen me through but she couldn't see those. At least we could agree it wasn't the support of a loving family. lol

Putting two and two together, I now realise that she only sees the superficial and seems to resent what she sees."

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However, on occasions their 'real' nature may show through (in this example your sister's positive feedback about your looks and charm sustaining you), but sadly, all too often the brainwashing is so complete (siblings get it from their earliest childhood remember) that they are ultimately lost to us. Coming from someone who has been encouraged to despise you, this comment may well be more true and more valuable than if it were to come from someone who is neutral towards you.

I too have a sister who, very occasionally, condescended to be nice to her nuisance of a sister. Sadly she is now lost to me, but I do remember with thanks the occasional help from her. The day she came to my school open day (by special permission of the Head Mistress) was a godsend. It was one of those posh schools where all the parents came - no exceptions - and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle being 'stood up' by mother as in previous years. In retrospect there was a secondary message there too. I know I'll never forget the expression on the Head Mistress' face when I asked for permission for a non-parent to come to open day. A fleeting, questioning frown, then a flash of sympathy and immediate agreement. Although I was unaware of it then, I'm now absolutely sure that this lovely lady, who was greatly respected in the highest academic and educational circles, knew and cared about my situation and did all she could to try to help and support me. It consoles me that, even if I felt alone then, I'm pretty sure I wasn't totally without those who cared.

Whitesheep:
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"I have another family photo story to share. When my eldest brother got married, my father had all the men wear morning coats and top hats at the wedding. I treated it as a joke. I mean, I'm anything but a morning coat kind of guy and my family are far from being the aristocrats the image would suggest. However, over my specific protest, my mother chose this wedding photo for her christmas card and sent it to thousands of people. (My mother was a politician at the time so the taxpayers of this province actually paid for my humiliation)."
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Well - Try looking at it again. On your own and away from the family crap. If, as your sister says you are charming and good looking, and you can accept that, you may find that you look pretty damn cool. Getting dressed up in penguin suits IS a joke, but it's usually a shared joke - 'Let's all get dressed up like toffs, it'll set the bride's dress off a treat!!'. The thing to be sad about is that one of the guys in the picture was so excluded from the family intimacy that he couldn't share that joke. Families with scapegoats still keep the 'normal' family intimacy and humour, but the exclusion of the scapegoat from the intimacy also excludes them from the warmth and the humour. THAT is the sadness and the pain.

Whitesheep:
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"One last one: my father used to refer to political events where our attendance was manditory (to demonstrate family unity) as "command performances". Our UK members will recognise that this term refers to performances for the monarch (queen or king). Only now can I see how overblown and unrealistic his view of this family was. He was only correct in that these were only an act and one I refused to take part in after my divorce.....
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I may be totally, totally wrong here. In comparing experiences, particularly in writing (without face to face contact and the ability to interchange bits of clarification), I may be making the mistake of hearing your history through the lens of my own background. Sooo - I'll tell you my position first on this one.

Although my relationship with my father was absolutely AWFUL when I was a teenager, I did come to learn and understand him, and the position he found himself in.

During my teens he seemed oppressive and overbearing. Daring to disagree with him on any topic was simply unacceptable, and would result in a frightening display of anger. I still don't know why, but I don't really think about that side of things any more. Could have been the usual teenage snottiness from me (don't really think that), or more likely his own difficult path as I describe below.

I left home as soon as I left school (no - before I left school! Dear Head Mistress' hand there again I suspect, suggesting I go into lodgings), and surprisingly it was my father I missed most. Again I don't know why, possibly because the opportunity for his anger ceased, while my mother's favours towards my sister and spite towards me increased. Anyway, he became ill with cancer when I was about 30, and I used to visit him most weeks in hospital. He lived through a year of pain, but always welcomed my visits. During those times, without my mother present, he showed in small ways that he knew I was a real, live person who he cared about. I'll never forget that one evening, as I was leaving, he walked with me to the staircase and suddenly put his arms round me to hug me. I was so startled I didn't know how to react, I remember wondering if returning the hug might be incestuous or something. Sad.

By the time he died I knew for certain that he cared for me more than he'd ever showed. Slowly I came to realise his position. He had married a woman he loved, and still loved; but she thoroughly disliked/resented/whatever their child. He was caught between us. He had to tread a path which protected me from the worst of her spite without being disloyal to his wife. (THAT explains why I got a little clockwork train for Christmas one year!!! I now recollect Pappa was invariably the one to suggest buying me a birthday present, almost as an afterthought, during the weekly family shopping expedition on the Saturday before my birthday. Woohoo, the year my mother was away from home on my birthday he bought me a real, childsized rocking chair. I still remember my slow slow realisation as he negotiated with the market stallholder that this was for MEEEE.)

I gather my mother was not particularly wanted by her parents, sent away to boarding school etc.etc. Perhaps he was painfully aware of unhappiness in her. She was certainly the more successful and high profile than he was. She was a graduate (in the late 1920's - no mean achievement for a woman) and a Head Teacher. He'd left school at 15 to take up an engineering apprenticeship. He was skilled enough to find a very respectable job, but nothing on the level of my mother. His attitude to my mother was very loving and giving, but always with a sense of humour. I can just imagine him thinking, if not actually saying, something just like your father. Once again, the 'command performances' could have been an instance of the family humour, intimacy and indulgence towards your mother. Don't ALLOW your exclusion from THEIR intimacy destroy YOUR sense of humour, because it is pretty funny really. Only desperate 'Z' list celebrities with failing careers take command performances seriously. The rest of us think they are a hoot, but only once in a while.

Whitesheep:
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"...I'd rather live in the real world painful as it is than play any part in their world.

In many ways, I think these episodes are symbolic of my difficulties with my family. They neither recognise me for who I am nor my boundaries. For them, appearances are more important than reality. They want to portray us as something we are not and my refusal to 'tow the party line' got me in trouble. I now think this was the point of the beatings and abuse.

Through the grace of God I've found the strength to seek my true self and walk my own path. I can't deny that their preoccupation with appearances hasn't affected me. This is the damage I'm trying to undo in order to find and love the real me."
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Hmmm - Much harder to respond to this. Perhaps I'll say that I'm glad you wrote 'symbolic' rather than 'symptomatic'
Yes, they presented an appearance of probity, whilst abusing one of their members. That is a real symptom of scapegoating; and such dishonesty should be roundly condemned and rejected. However, you seem also to be rejecting the 'symbols', that is their lifestyle. Well, there is both good and bad to be found in every social stratum and every lifestyle. Reject the dishonesty, but don't reject the world.

Again, an example. My childhood home felt cold and comfortless to me, my parents seemed (to me) to care nothing for the home, and pretty well never entertained or socialised; but they were, outwardly, the very model of respectability and probity. However, in my late teens and very early twenties I had a long term boyfriend whose family were comparatively 'posh'. I spent the happiest Christmases of my life with his family. In contrast to my own home, his home and family seemed to me to be so elegant and sociable. I retain a liking for a bit of 'posh' - even though I rarely get it these days. The memory of the natural warmth and friendship of my boyfriend's family's dinner-parties, with everyone joining in to make everyone else feel relaxed, interesting and welcome will be forever associated with pampering myself with a 'special' evening out at dinner or the theatre.

Your comments seem to indicate your reactions are nearly (perhaps not quite, but nearly) the reverse. You seem to reject effort being put into superficial things, because you associate them with your unhappiness in childhood. Well, it's not the superficial things which hurt you. It was the hidden hypocrisy. The real you will still be genuine and lovable whether in old jeans or a penguin suit.

You're right that your refusal to toe the party line would get you into trouble. It gave them the perfect EXCUSE to take out their frustrations and anger with others on you. Again, a vicious circle. We are rejected and scapegoated by our families focussing and dumping their anger and frustrations on us, rather than the true cause; that makes us angry and rejecting of them (normal reaction) and that gives them the perfect excuse and justification to continue the scapegoating.

*tease* - you, being a guy, might find it easier to TOW a party line than TOE it. 'To toe the line' sounds to me as though it is a phrase taken from the military parade ground.

FINAL WORD.

Your messages have stirred many memories and thoughts that I'd like to share. However, I've just finished working 15 straight hours, the last 7 standing over two deep fryers for 1/2 priced appetizer night. I'm feeling very tired and somewhat emotional (not to mention coated with fryer grease). After a shower, I'll probably be asleep "before my head hits the pillow" so I'll wait until tomorrow to share.

The good news is that I've found a restaurant management job and they want me to come in for a half day to see how we work together before making me an offer. I'm very excited but don't want to get my hopes up.

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whitesheep (31 Jan, 2007 05:35 a.m.):
Would ya look who's back in town?

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Oh, White....you have to help me here....you said the above to HTB on Jan 31....but you said the following to him/her on Jan 30...."I wondered what happened to you and thank you for returning to share your experience and wisdom with us."

How could you forget you'd already noticed HTB being back after you posted so emotionally to her just the day before?

I'm not trying to pick....it's just amazing me how people can post and read posts and then not connect any dots with prior posts read or written. I'm beginning to understand why I'm having trouble communicating with some people on here. It seems some are typing to be typing and don't mean a word they say from day to day, like every new day is a new brain fart (excuse the expression).

Realizing that fragmented thought behavior in so many here, I guess it's time for me to go....and you all might think about going too....take a break from talking about your miseries and try some positive living for a while IRL. You might be surprised to find out you have been mad over the past that is not really affecting your here and now.

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whitesheep (31 Jan, 2007 05:35 a.m.):
The good news is that I've found a restaurant management job and they want me to come in for a half day to see how we work together before making me an offer. I'm very excited but don't want to get my hopes up.

In the meantime: thanks for taking the time to write. I look forward to responding tomorrow.

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This is where the charm comes in. Good looks is just a heaven sent bonus, but use the charm to demonstrate how you can attract those customers.

Just remember, neat, smart but not over the top clothes. Clean hair and fingernails etc. etc. etc and you'll walk it WS.

Oh Luvaduck! - Just listen to me!! It's only that I'm new to the whole 'stand by your man' thing. 4th Wedding anniversary just coming up (there's hope for all of us), and I've just about got the message into husband that US mid-western check shirts and long hair will not get you a job in the UK.

I guess my point in telling the story of my sister and the "good-looking one" photo was to point out how differently she sees me versus my own self-image. Its not that I don't think I'm nice looking or lack charm but these things don't seem to have helped me in building new (post-estrangement) relationships as much as they didn't seem to help me before either as evidenced by the fact that only one of my old friends remains in my life.

As I've said, I accept responsibility for my part in choosing the wrong people to try and have relationships with as well as my own seeming inability to form healthy relationships. I believe that I lack sufficient self-esteem such that I felt it was necessary for me to do things or even buy things for people in order to get them to like me. Pathetic and manipulative? You betcha. And who wants to be friends with someone like that?

The strange part is that despite the fact that I think of myself as good-hearted, talented and hard working (and have plenty of examples of my good work) I can't seem to let these qualities speak for themselves. This why I say my mission is to learn to like myself and not try to control others. If people don't want me in their lives, there's simply nothing I can do about that.

"in this example your sister's positive feedback about your looks and charm sustaining you"

I didn't think her comment positive at all - quite the opposite. I suppose this has to do with my view of my family and their actions over the last 5.5 years and the 33 before that mind you. There is no doubt in my mind that they had me committed to two hospitals' psych wards over two weeks (in two provinces) in order to accomplish what my mother's beatings and siblings' humiliations thoughout my chuldhood could not: they were trying to break my spirit. This is pretty much Peck's definition of "evil". And it didn't end with the hospitalisation: in the years since, they have waged a campaign to make sure the stigma of mental illness remains with me despite a complete lack of evidence.

I can't tell you how many times I have met new people, enjoyed the excitement of a new friend and had that relationship change and then disappear seemingly without explanation. Of course, there are a million possible explanations but my gut tells me that it is a combination of my own pathetic attempts to win friends as well as the afore-mentioned stigma. While this is a big city it still amazes me how small it can seem when people talk.