I'm not a parent and don't feel qualified to offer you the kind of advice you're seeking. However, when I read your post something jumped out at me: the term "childrearing". After reading Alice Miller's "For Your Own Good" that term took on a negative meaning for me. While it may be completely benign to you, for me it now implies an attitude of trying to shape a child rather than respecting the individuality of that young person. This respect as well as the protection you mention are the primary responsibilities of parenthood as I see it.

By getting info I've been able to realise for instance that I tend to react in a certain way when my older child falls and hurts himself. There are different ways to react and they are all giving a message to the child. Is that what I want I ask myself? and so on so on... It reminds me of what you said Madorsad about your therapist becoming lazy and not looking at the contertransference, etc. for me bringing up a child is also about not becoming 'lazy', about not getting stuck in some rigid rules, believes or patterns, but being able to listen to my children with an open mind, not to think that I know it all, trying not to label them (often they will respond to the label and behave as such).

And above all respect. My older child is going through the stage of saying lots of 'No'. That's a stage of development that help us 'separate' from our parents and get a sense of self. Once I knew that, I was able to work ways around it, playfully, so that his sense of self is intact. To me that's one of the true meanings of respect. Don't force the child to have a bath if he/she says 'No' ,etc. but rather play, negociate... Keep the boundaries, but don't humiliate him/her.

I feel that I'm learning and growing together with my children, they are teaching me lots, about patience, love, joy, tolerance,...
I must say I often feel exhausted too, but it's worth.

Sorry if I sound like a cracked record, but some of the links in the TA thread may very well be helpful. Remember there is a little growing adult in your children from the age of about 10 months, so it's good to talk to him/her too.

Outsider, what are the ages of your children?

My son is extremely needy with us and is generally kind but scapegoats other children in unsupervised settings. It is very, very, very hard to watch because I so identify with his victims. Intellectually, I know why-- it is because -- where he came from, it was every kid for himself and he, in his way, has been in survivial mode ever since. He was exposed to a lot of violent children and certainly some nasty caregivers. I am not sure.

Nevertheless, I am frequently angry -- then guilty since he was an orphan, then angry again. He has not been able to get on with other children in a safe way for the entire three years he has been with us. And, without going in to detail, we have lots of help at our disposal -- experts, MDs, etc -- you name it. They don't know what they're looking at. They can't "treat" it.
Its funny, a doctor once described his scapegoating thing (which in a 5 year old is aggression, usually) as "dangerousness". So I'll be damned, it is indeed dangerous whether it is with words or fists, is it not?
I feel the negative parts of my parent's childrearing when my son is cruel to other children. I literally have to do what does not feel right in order to do what's right. My mother was raised by a German. Need I say more Alice Miller fans? So what I learned from her -- a lot of it will just hurt him.
You (I) have to do what is counterintuitive. It will harm my son -- my instinct. Its paradoxical. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to love him more than I was. Tears on keyboard

[quote]madorsad (06 Feb, 2007 12:20 a.m.):
Yes, I understand WS, if there a better verb than "childrearing", I'd use it.

Outsider, what are the ages of your children?

My son is extremely needy with us and is generally kind but scapegoats other children in unsupervised settings. It is very, very, very hard to watch because I so identify with his victims. Intellectually, I know why-- it is because -- where he came from, it was every kid for himself and he, in his way, has been in survivial mode ever since. He was exposed to a lot of violent children and certainly some nasty caregivers. I am not sure.

Nevertheless, I am frequently angry -- then guilty since he was an orphan, then angry again. He has not been able to get on with other children in a safe way for the entire three years he has been with us. And, without going in to detail, we have lots of help at our disposal -- experts, MDs, etc -- you name it. They don't know what they're looking at. They can't "treat" it.
Its funny, a doctor once described his scapegoating thing (which in a 5 year old is aggression, usually) as "dangerousness". So I'll be damned, it is indeed dangerous whether it is with words or fists, is it not?
I feel the negative parts of my parent's childrearing when my son is cruel to other children. I literally have to do what does not feel right in order to do what's right. My mother was raised by a German. Need I say more Alice Miller fans? So what I learned from her -- a lot of it will just hurt him.
You (I) have to do what is counterintuitive. It will harm my son -- my instinct. Its paradoxical. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to love him more than I was. Tears on keyboard

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madorsad (06 Feb, 2007 12:20 a.m.):
My son is extremely needy with us and is generally kind but scapegoats other children in unsupervised settings. It is very, very, very hard to watch because I so identify with his victims.

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Suggestion,
Try to set up times when you are available to be with him and one or more of his friends. Be a bit of a 'leader', and encourage 'co-operation' games. 'Let's build a....' 'Lets's explore...'

Throughout the activity 'join in' wholeheartedly, 'squatting' down to talk to them if they are small. Make use of every opportunity to talk to two (or three) at once (usually your son plus another, but a couple of friends only would do no harm if your son is happily occupied) and treat them equally, talking to both about 'what's the next bit to build...?' 'Where shall we go next..?'. Again if they are small put one arm around each of them, which will encourage them to face each other in front of you. Build the conversation so that the children form a joint plan to achieve something together, and give them both praise. If they disagree, discuss their different ideas, giving credit to both, and encouraging each child to see the other's idea positively. If choices have to be made, win their consent, possibly by taking turns to get 'first choice'.

If you see him (or anyone else) bullying, call him aside and ask what is the problem. Let him talk it through and suggest ideas of how he could manage things in a less aggressive way. In time you will have lots of examples to remind him. If there is no problem, just spite, then admonish gently, ask him why he should do this to a friend and point out the good things he and the victim have shared, and encourage his own recollections "Do you remember when you two had such fun at xxx. What was it he said that was so funny?...." (even if he's still sullen, you can just remind him. He will have remembered, just reluctant to show it) When you have talked it through a bit try to suggest a tactic for renewing the friendly contact "Now, shall we ask Johnny if he'd like some lemonade? I think we could all enjoy that, don't you?"

Watch , though, for signs of jealousy developing. If he seems to resent the shared attention then, hug him, reassure him, and gently chide him that he is silly to worry. HE has special times with you and that is because he is special, and that will NEVER change

In other words, 'set up' situations where you can be involved in the play and then provide a role model for co-operation and conflict resolution, which helps to build trust and respect between them.

Afterwards, when you are alone with your son again, take an opportunity to discuss and reminisce about the play, what was good, what was a waste of time, what was funny. Make sure you give equal credit to all children and praise him for choosing nice friends whom you like too. This is his special time with you, but the world and relationships outside still exist. This also is the time to talk out any feelings of jealousy if you have observed that problem. Reassure him that you would never dream of having these special times with anyone else in the group.

I don't know what opportunities you have for this. It could be nothing more than suggesting (firmly if necessary) that he bring a couple of friends to share a visit to a local park.

Generally, In public, relate to all the children equally to demonstrate thay all have value, In private, make your son special (only he gets the opportunity to cuddle up on the sofa), but his friends and the world outside still exist.

In both situations ASK QUESTIONS!! THEY need to do the work, You're just the facilitator. "Any ideas...?" "What happened when.......?" What shall we...?" Nice ones to encourage positive and creative thought, memory and cooperation. It's a known training device to ask questions to recall and re-inforce positive messages.

But by reading your post and as little as I know about your situation I couldn't help thinking about how anger seems to play a big rol in what is happening. I guess aggresion is to do with anger and under it there is fear. You said you identify with the other children that he was scapegoating, but can you identify as well with his fear? I wonder if some work for you and your child toghether could help. Someone in this site recommended Lynn Namka he has some good work about anger. I've also got a book at home Title 'A volcano in my tummy' that is full of exercises to do with children (is intended to school setting, but it can be used at home).

On the other hand (i'm just giving you suggestions) I'm wondering if it could help to try to not give too much importance to the issue. Is this issue of scapegating other children the main issue in your head when you relate to him, is he realising that he gets lots of atention, therapist (maybe) and so on, because of that?