| Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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Trudy
ip: 154.20.149.232 |
| 1. Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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This person that I do not know has been on my case since we began our production. I get along with everyone else. I have had a busy week ie my girlfriend was hospitalized adn I stayed with her. She is ok now. I still went to rehersals adn completed our ads. Tonight we where all at a social singing our hearts out and a lot of attention came my way. The kind of evening that one does not expect but friends of mine dropped in as did my sons friends and two men that like me. I am not dating right now. I take my time before I ride any saddle. Then I get invited to a birthday party she does not. At midnight when I was about to go because several had left she dings me with you should sing with the girls. My responce is I have a base voice and I can not sing above C. You should sing with us. My responce is it does nto bother me adn the director has me singing exactly what he wants and I have discussed it with him several times. Her responce then you should wear mens clothing. Because she has undermined me so many times and because I was tiered it has been a long week and the end of an evening I got mad. Enough. I did leave her voice mail without disturbing her and said I have had an exhausting week. I have placed 50 ads and pulled in over $1200 for a small production, organized free flowers and I am Tiered. we do nto get along lets jsut for the sake of the production try and get along. Your expectation of me is unrealistic. Why would you ever say that I had to dress like a man. You sing like a lark be happy. I can not change my voice. Let us just get along. Leave me alone.
Then I got home and I am upset. I am upset that I got angry but I am normally so tolerant. She keeps pitching and she said tonight that she wants me out. I said that is not going to happen.
She will continue to drum. I have said that her and I will never be close. She keeps trying to get a reaction out of me adn I keep doing this dance and I do not want it to escalate because I think she would make me scapegoat. She would like to fry me.
I am confident in the work I do. I had no time to pay any attention to her or say anything it was jsut bang at midnight. I also get lots of attention when I do sing but my friend sang and she sings so much better then me and my friend and I do not have this clash. Everyone says ignore her. I am not to good at that so I feel like I have to learn real fast to just walk away when she starts. I want a divorce from her and I do not want others to rescue me or have to handle it. Yikes I actually have a run of fear. Fear that I will react. I do not know how to not react. Now that I think about what she said I realize how uncomfortable she is with me singing with the guys but the guys do nto mind and neither does the director. She got my reaction though and that she wanted and I delivered. I know there will be another moment. I need duck tape and an ice pack or loose in a productin that I love. |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 11:35 a.m. |
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Vil
ip: 4.129.86.228 |
| 2. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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| Ewww...that 'saddle' remark was a bit TMI! Anyhow....it sounds like you just want this person to shut up. OR do you want her to talk nice to you? There's a difference. The second you'll probably never get. You probably won't get the first either.  But there is a difference in what you want from her, so let that be your guide when deciding how to handle her. |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 12:24 p.m. |
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Vil
ip: 4.129.86.228 |
| 3. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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| PS...I don't see how this has anything to do with Scapegoating. Can you explain? |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 12:25 p.m. |
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trudy
ip: 154.20.149.232 |
| 4. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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In old days in the old testament there is a referance to scapegoat. An offering is made for a sin with two goats. One is spared but is sent to the dessert with all the sins or something like that.
What I see in the drama (hers and my reaction) is the constant conflict is a gain for power. I do not wish to become the sacrifitial lamb so to speak. I do not need to gain power. I like being in the background and crediting my team as we work hard, It annoys her.
When conflict is not win win eventually something has to give. That is where I see that this situation will end up if I either can find peace or not react. The not reacting is harder for me as this has been going on for weeks and I finally dug in. This person will never see that they are doing anything.
Her point I was just expressing my opinion. I can not control her I can only control me. Giving it no weight. Which is not hard but she dings me when we are socializing and catches me on my own and laments about me to everyone. . She does not do it in front of the group always off to the side.
Its hard on the group and eventually something will have to give to take place to stop the interaction. My fear is that it will evolve to me being the scapegoat. I am no victim but she is getting to me and it is wredking my fun plus that of a few others.
I do not go to her.
To me a scapegoat is someone who ends up taking the brunt right or wrong to keep peace or to be removed.
She does not appreciate what I do. ie she asks for me to get free flowers and then she is peeved because I got 4 bouquets for the last performance free. Then she dings me or rides me when I am doing ads and I know I have done a good job and I do not need the pad on the back. We all are doing our part. I am reacting to her pecks. I am tiered of it.
The production and the people in it mean more to me then she does but somehow I have to keep peace. That might just be by walking away again and again when she starts. She will never be responsible and I do not expect anything from her nor can I control what she is doing.
I can only control me.
This started when I first joined the group and she wanted to live with me and I said no. I do not know her. Ever since then she has been drumming to anyone that will listen. She got to me twice and it is look at how she reacts. last time I walked away. This time I got angry.
Communication does not work. What ever I say she finds something. It is so apparent and so akward. If I can not resolve I will have to step back. I can not do this dance with her and go into the production. I want to handle it but I am not and I do not want to bring in the director.
Is what I think a scape goat is incorrect. I skimmed through so many posts and the lights went on so many times. I do not like conflict and would prefer resolution. In the next wave I want to be more prepared.tascha |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 01:08 p.m. |
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Vil
ip: 4.129.86.228 |
| 5. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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| Thanks for taking time to explain...I see your point that scapegoating is a power play...it is that! It's a power play that is unfair in acquisition. I don't know what to tell you might work to resolve this conflict that woman seems intent on perpetuating. And I empathize with your having to put up with 'little digs' from this cowardly person who probably knows 'big digs' would cause her to lose all her support. I also empathize with your having to put up with her talking around you and not to you about her 'issues'....another cowardly act. I empathize because I am familiar with the tactic via my own family....so I'll tell you what does not work.....ignoring does not work! Ignoring enables them to do more of the same until you finally are the bad guy in too many minds to set straight. Maybe a little fire with fire? Don't get mad, get even! LOL....like maybe when she comes near you, you just ask her outright what shitty remarks she's got for you today? |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 01:40 p.m. |
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trudy
ip: 154.20.149.232 |
| 6. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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Vil;
I was on the floor laughing. I am so glad that you suggested that ignoring does not work and I think I can not wait to use that line and believe me I will drop in and let you know. I do not run to other people. One person in the group has talked with me because they can handle her like a kitten. That lady though has a husband and is unbelievably assertive which means I am assertive until I am fed up where the lady I know will keep on being assertive.
Did we all have dysfunctional families or did we all learn sooooooo much.
I enjoyed talking with you and appreciate your empathy.
Its hard because everyone likes me so they come to me when she yakes about me. Everyone is trying to get her to leave me alone. Then she apologizes and starts again. I have less work to do with her. Truth I was not working with her. She had nothing to do with advertizing but she wanted to know how many ads what size. I told her they go to the printer and why. She is still miffed. The printer gave her a copy of the program with ads adn she is still miffed because she thought she could past the ads into the program her way and does not realize that some of the ads have changes, some need to be proffed by the buyer so they are happy next year. No matter what I say its like she does not hear me. Then someone has to sit down for an hour and explain it. then she apologizes and three days latter she is angry again. Its making dynamics that are time consuming harder and we are all working and doing other things. I ammmmm ssoooo fed up but I like your avenue. Thankyou .
trudy |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 01:57 p.m. |
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Vil
ip: 4.152.120.133 |
| 7. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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| I can so feel your frustration with this woman! She must be one of those people who knows a little bit about something and assumes that's all there is to know...then when her superficially understood ideas get shot down, she gets mad. I've run into this lot before...it does no good to spend time giving them an education in the field in which they think they know it all; they just find something you didn't say yet to latch onto and drive you mad! ..or in the case where others try to educate her, she'll still latch onto something else to drive YOU mad, because you are the target. I'm glad you liked my little idea! But be prepared for her to jump on you with how she doesn't do things like that and try to play victim. There's always that risk when you take assertiveness to the end game. I think that's why we often back off from being assertive once we get started....we don't want conflict. But conflict is inevitable...it's a matter of offense or defense though...don't take the defense! If she starts with the victim crap, politely tell her this is not the time or place and invite her to lunch to discuss your problems....do it in front of as many people as you can -particularly those in her court- because she SHOULD refuse lunch with you (which is what you really want anyway...no lunch with this silly person). If perchance, she does agree to lunch, let her set the time and then say you're busy then....let her keep trying and you keep being busy (don't overdo it) or say you'll have to check your calendar and get back with her..then don't....the key is for YOU to direct the direction of your contact with her...never let her lead! I must sound like a manipulator! But I'm not in a bad way. I rather call it strategy! LOL |
| Date: 16 Mar, 2007 on 03:11 p.m. |
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trudy
ip: 154.20.149.232 |
| 8. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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I set boundries and that was a good thing. At rehersal she tried a few things and I just remained extra calm. ( I was thinking of what you wrote. She will always drum but now that she is on the outside of my circle so to speak her actions do not ding me. She got shot down by two others and that had nothing to do with me and off she stomped. A friend who has great conflict resolution strategy and I discussed the setting. Funny how we both are looking at how not to get bogged down as we have so much to do. A few of us are on the assertive bandwagon to maintain peace. If she gets into my face in my privte time she will know real fast. From far away I hope you can visualize me standing there and jsut handling it and have a chuckle. Right on eh. I have the savy to stay in my skin and be diplomatic.
The timing of this all happening and finding this site was is awesome. The lights went on.
I so agree that it is no good to spend time giving them an education in the field and they will find something you didn't say yet to latch onto. My comment was this is a production not mental health. Lets not spend a ton of energy. Actually I talked to the director and its coll to refer her to him next time if it is big and not tangle with her. Just refer her.
I am ducking the target by not reacting... boy does that ever anoy her and she wears it well. I am not into rescue. She sings like a lark and it is 4 weeks to production. Looking at what we all have to do I so thank you as I was able to work the mess out and come out without burnt feathers. You made me laugh too which just says it all. She will always keep druming. I took my power back. I have keyed into something that will be a part of my life. Vil I thank you for that. Sometimes there are moments in life that just touch the heart. Smile.
In the time I spent here I was prepared to handle it .
Oh yea the Victim is dripping but a few of us did not get the dance steps right she knows the steps but now we want to be responsible for our selves. Give her credit for what she did do. My line was I can take care of myself now. You taught me the steps. I am able to take from here.
If she goes over I will be right there to draw the boundary.
Assertiveness to the end game...backing off is not being asseretive. It is staying assertive in the conflict. For me it is recognizing that the conflict will always be there. I do not expect myself to handle each upcoming endeavor perfectly. I look at doing my best to remain true to myself and in a productive way. This is a perfect oportunity to learn to manage this kind of person as they are every where- in the work place, in our family, amongst friends.
I am so glad I that I am setting boundries early. People pick up a cadence with me in the performance and I am a team player. Critical for me to not be defensive. Little knee jerk in there from childhood.
Good idea I will tell her this is not the time or place and invite her to lunch to discuss your problems....do it in front of as many people as I can. I would not want to go. I agree I would find myself busy.
There is no one in her court a few that are around her are good to me. I do have to set the direction of the contact. I am open when it has to do with the production and I am making a point of only talking to her when there is a very significant reason. I do not void her but there is a limit to my interaction with her. Strategy is good.
In the transition I realize how limited she is as this dance is all around her. It must be painful and it is apparent. I choose not to get involved in helping her. There are many community resources and most of us that want to strech find our path. A year down the road my expectation is that I will still be me and closer to others in the group as we do well together. Suzie asked me to be in her production and that is one dynamite producer.
Again Thanks.
Trudy |
| Date: 19 Mar, 2007 on 07:31 p.m. |
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Angel
ip: 207.200.116.72 |
| 9. Re:Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing your life details
& then letting us all in on the victory
that resulted from disciplining your
reactions to lady described. WOW! |
| Date: 19 Mar, 2007 on 08:14 p.m. |
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| Intervention before I become the scape goat |
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