I found this forum today for I am thinking I wass my FOO's scapegoat, married a Mr. Wonderful who demonstrated he is a narcissist. I am having an overwhelming day precipitated by yet another incident of a 'family' member speaking to an adult child of mine saying extreme opposites of what she alleged, accused, twisted and atempted to order me in regard to my adult daughter and her upcoming wedding. There is something-not right- and I am suspecting it isn't me but a role I am imprisoned in designating me completely responsible for anything and everything that any one else does. In this case my two sisters twist, distort, make things up, call me in anger making allegations and then demand I make my daughter not do what she is personally choosing along with her fiance. They don't say to my daughter what they say to me! I swear, I don't ask for it, invite it, I set limits and boundaries....and they cut me off...get very angry. Yes, it came down I am a "crazy" person for not agreeing with their twisted, distorted sick stories mired in sick behavior and projecting on me.

I feel horrible today...have that heavy deep pain around my heart....why is it me? What is it, if anything about me...is there something in years of recovery work, I missed? Nothing I have done, practiced...has altered these dynamics. If they live across the country....one will call me and tell me they did not hang a mirror so it's my fault...I did not come and hang the mirror!

Is this a scapegoat situation....my daughter, a level headed, responsible young career woman choses her wedding gown....why is it me people come to and tell me my daughter is filth, tell me she can't spend money, tell me allegations my daughter can't afford her wedding, tell me I need to straighten out my daughter? To my daughter they won't say that garbage.....and if called on it they will outright lie they never said what they said and trash me.

You know how you just feel "bad"....after a person unpredictably turns on you? I am responsible for speaking up about how vexed I feel or how absurd so and so launched at attack, claimed to "know" details, the drama they make up....By acknoweledging these behaviors/situations..it's enough of a trap that anyone knows.

What I want to truly understand is, is it me..something about me..or by virtue that I am not black/white/distort reality/shift blame...like them that I become a scapegoat/target? If a family scapegoats one person and that person seeks personal recovery, learns it's been abusive and speaks out...doesn't that typically set the recovery person to then be a "target"...the we're not...you are ...get back in our distorted mirror frenzy occur culminating with it's the target that's deemed 'crazy"?

I read many of your posts. Gosh, it seems the more I did, became, grew as an individual the more evil I was spoken of. Wow, nothing I have altered about me, or me in these relationships has effected any change. I did let alot of their inane, inappropriate comments slide by over the years. I did stand up for me repeatedly and they act as if I have three heads....as if it is normal to treat one person extremely differently, blame them, shame them and gang up.

This is a rough time...leaving the gang....and I slide a step back again wondering what it is about me....it's probably that I subconsciously yearn to be treated better, like others, for abuse to stop treated with respect in some fairness.....that they be willing to make some corrections. I don't understand how people can mock your pain or suffering, ignore what a person asks for and then become so angry unable to accept a scrap of responsibility in the relationship.

You make a great point that maybe you/we keep trying again and again with these people in hopes they will finally see us as we really are. I know I'm proud of who I am and who they make me out to be is completely opposite of that. It hurts to be thought about the way they do. And I find that with my assholes they never ask me or confront me with problems they have with me...instead they talk amoungst theyselves and determine all from their own summations! Then they accuse me and I'm so like, what? Because I have no idea what has been going on until it gets to their final answer and they accuse me of it. Yep, they figure us out to whatever way suits them and then if we protest we're lying to keep from admitting they are right..and if we talk it around about thier lies, then we're crazy!

I am always baffled when I get accused. I am always out of the loop of discussion about me until it is time for the attack. sometimes I don't get attacked though....sometimes they just continue to keep a file on me of things they made up to use at a later date as proof when they want to convince themselves of how I am!

So no, alone....it's not YOU! These people are nuts! LOL.....well, actually I think more appropriately I should say that they are probably judging you based on how they would be in a given situation. Most people with minds like scapegoaters have don't see two sides of an issue. They are very narrowminded, set in their ways, and never ever wrong! When we tell them they're wrong their defense kicks in but instead of having a conversation to resolve misunderstandings they CAN'T BE WRONG so discussion is not relevant... they attack and call us liars and crazy to keep their hard work from being shot down by reality.

They need help! becasue they only way they know how to get along is to find someone who will be gullible enough to not weigh what they say. Sort of reminds me of the Terrorist mindset whereby suicide bombers are told certain factions are bad and deserve to be killed and they are doing a service to mankind by blowing themselves up just to kill these factions. suicide bombers don't check out any reality other than what they have been told. My scapegoaters do that so in my book they are terrorists!

So we have to differentiate between what family means versus friendship when trying to reason why family treats some as they do. They have found friendship with each other, we have not because we don’t like to pick on people or make superficial judgments. That leaves us just family and we feel like because we are all family this crap should not be going on…and we are right! We feel family should respect differences and not attack each other even more so than we should respect differences of strangers and not attack. And we are right again! But somewhere in their growth they seem never to have passed out of the junior high age where cliques were formed based on picking on the victim of the day. To summarize, we should not try to be their friends just because we are family if the way they are is not our thing! The feelings of wanting to be understood by them makes sense only in that we are family and should therefore be friends too. You just have to separate the two things! You can love them because they are family but that doesn’t mean you have to associate with them as friends and really…who would want to be in that clique? LOL

I also find my family to be extremely prejudiced against many types of individuals! They do not give a moment’s thought that anyone who is not exactly like them has any right to be different. If we are different we actually threaten their sense of self, which is that all the world should be like they are or there’s something wrong with them. They simply cannot grasp that it takes all kinds to make the world go around! I personally think, based on the social situation of my family, that they are like this because their life is less than they had hoped it would become. They are not happy with their lives, but to admit that is not possible without growing past that junior high age thing and being a bit introspective and finding they reap what they sow!

Now there’s the thing though…..we have to make them reap what they sow when they abuse us. How? You have to find ways to shut their doors they use to abuse you.

I have found that leaving the flock might make for a more peaceful existence for us, but it does not stop the crowd from freewheeling more lies and fantasies about us and making up our life for us that will fester and explode at some point and leave us confounded. It’s a false peace of sorts because we just don’t know what they are doing. We are and will always be the target of their own personal frustration until THEY get some help with their social development past junior high age. But until they do get help, staying away from them, excluding them from information except on a need to know basis is the best we can do!

"I am suspecting it isn't me but a role I am imprisoned in designating me completely responsible for anything and everything that any one else does."

you got it right there sister
from birth you were designated the family 'whipping post' and all your attempts to change are met with hysterical resistance because they like having you to whip - it beats taking responsibility

there is a way out of this hell and it has to do with respect:
if you respect yourself and only permit others into your life who acknowledge your worth and respect you i think you'll see the kind of change i have seen in the last few months

fear not 'alone'
you're on your way
just be yourself
enjoy and respect her
and the rest will follow

i promise

It's a nasty paradox for me that brainwashed for so long designated as "the problem" I did work intensely on disentangling my 'self', excavating my 'self' warts and all from a toxic enmeshed blob..who I am and who/what I am not. I did alot of good, fun, interesting and great work to raise my consciousness. The paradox is that resulting from scapegoating I renewed and validated my beliefs, standards of healthy adult behavior...and came to be farther removed from the toxic/pathological gang...more different. As I did, grow healthier...they ganged up to allege I was "crazier" and more guilty of doing...lies they made up.

I have observed...it is what they do...sick behaviors and make up sick things to blame someone else, the worse their behavior the lies/poisonous stories escalate to blame, humiliate someone for their behavior. Of course, as is to be expected as the target...as my fear increased...they just keep taking something about you to ramp up the scapegoating...and IMO, my situation became terroristic..especially when they want to fry your brain and the fists hit...a bone broken...and the gang says it is your fault...for the violence....how sick can it get? Oh my, I must be "crazy" and need fixing for not knowing asking a simple question will become it is my fault that someone went bizerk...got violent....

Both of you make a point that removing yourself is not going to create safety....or put an end to the stories, make believe, sick and twisted omniscience......I decided people must be quite off in the head to live across the US....and "know" my personal business...without even speaking to me.....yet claim to "know" private, personal details...even how much money I do or don't have....

I have vascillated for the last year....wobbled about exiting/ending the remaining relationships for I do comprehend the rumors, lies stories shall not cease...not even if I were dead....however I do not have to hear the lies and sstories confabulated that I am doing things I am not, nor be told I did not do something I did.....geez, I erred to mention I mowed the yard...that was ugly, a gang protest to convince me I was incapable...that I did not, could not....and what the hell was I thinking....? People who are delusional....project it is someone else delusional...that is my observation:) Hence, I shall remain "crazy" that I actually think I mowed or could mow a yard! The two don't and can't or won't mow a yard....therefore it's true about me...and I must accept I am them....???? Probably I need to be "fixed" for saying I mowed the yard...I AM SICK OF IT AND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

No doubt the rumors are flying, that if I mowed the yard I must be poverty stricken...nothing can just be what it is...mow the yard to cut the grass.....period...but an escalting psychodrama...starring ME!

I have remarked..."I was cast a role in a psychodrama I did not audition for."

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alone (02 Oct, 2006 12:45 a.m.):
Hello. I am new here.

I feel so crappy about me...it sounds lame to my own ears....that I get singled out, beat down, beat up, punished, threatened.....and others act like it isn't happening...act like...do nothing.....there is no protection or safety....and in fact they reject me and isolate me and the perpetrator has no consequences......I am so lost today.

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It's not lame. It's what happens when you finally realize what is really happening. Yes, it is scapegoating and the reason they are on the attack is because they don't want you to realize you are a scapegoat and stop it from happening. They are worried you'll stand up for yourself. Don't worry...it gets worse before it gets better. But, on the upside, you'll get to a point where you'll say "up yours" and you don't care what they say. That's when you know you've "arrived".