I've come to see that one of my issues is with setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries with others. In the past, I've been uncomfortable telling people when they've hurt me or letting them know where my boundaries are probably because I wasn't raised with appropriate boundaries. Of course, this also extends to other people as well and I'm sure I've crossed lines that I should not have because of lack of respect for anothers' boundaries. This could partly explain my dearth of healthy relationships.

I'm seeing that it starts with recognising my self-worth to the point where I realise that I'm worthy of having boundaries that others must respect and then enforcing those in an appropriate way. Strange as it may sound, this is a new concept for me.

I know I'm succeptable to bouts of self-pity and self-directed anger when I see the roots of these issues in my childhood as well as more recent examples where my boundaries were violated. I know this is a waste of time and energy and I'm taking steps to feel better about myself. I stop the wallowing and start moving forward by using the power I possess to change these aspects of myself and improve my relationships with others.

Slowly (sometimes excrutiatingly so) I'm realising I've been scapegoated most of my life and that part of the answer to building healthier relationships is to set and maintain appropriate boundaries.

If anyone else has experience or stories to share about how they raised their self-esteem and set boundaries, I'd like to hear them.

First of all, there are basic boundaries that everyone has. We are all entitled not to be bullied, abused, intentionally hurt etc.

Secondly, we all have boundaries that are personal to us, different things upset different people so these boundaries are harder to enforce. To give you an example, if the use of a certain word upset me, it would not necessarily upset someone else. No wrong or right in this, just different views. I wouldnt expect anyone to know this word upset me of course. So, if someone used this word they would not be at fault in any way. I would then explain to this person clearly but politely how the word upset me. At that point, I would have laid my boundary. I wouldnt hold them responsible for my upset or expect them share my views, that would be dictatorship. If this person then considered my feelings and didnt use the word again in front of me, they would be respecting my boundaries. If this person carried on using this word regardless, then they would not be respecting my boundaries. I wouldnt be able to force them to but I would then probably choose not to be friends with them because they clearly have no regard for my feelings.

The other thing to remember is, if I violeted someone elses boundaries, for example if I bullied someone or intentionally hurt them, I could not then expect them to respect my boundaries. Once you violate someones boundaries, all respect has gone on both sides.
It is a two way thing, not just a one way thing.

As far as I am concerned, it is all about respect, respect for yourself and respect for other people, its not about laying the law down and dictating to people.

I am particularly sensitive to injustice (particularly if it is directed at me) I don't know if that is also a characteristic of most scapegoats. In past I would have always tolerated it and feel very angry inside. But I think that practice make me better at standing up for myself.

I could recall a story... when I was at university. There was a teacher well known for his 'verbal abuse' to the students. I happen to do a seminar with him. When I was presenting my work, he would interrupt me every two words and use his articulate and 'sophisticated' speech to try to ridicule me. After a few minutes I had enough. So I stopped and told him something along the lines: ' I don't think there is much point in me presenting my work. I feel that there is no communication. You are just interested in showing how clever you are...' I don't know where I got the courage to say it. Afterwards I felt all shaky and I almost wanted to apologize. I was also desperate to feel some approval or support from the other students (considering this man was a well known bully), but the only support I got was a very discrete nod of the head with a smile from another teacher who was also in the classroom.
What I make of that is I know it was right and I'm very pleased I did it. Although at the time it made me feel very uncomfortable, shaky, like a 'bad girl'. I was acting against a 'message' growing up that is not ok to stand up to bullies.

For example, if I may use out of context Loner’s example of ‘a word being used that we don’t like’…if a word causes us discomfort or violates some boundary we have given ourselves, then just telling a person not to say it in front of us is not appropriate setting of boundaries; rather this would be an example of trying to force the other person to comply with our wishes just because we say so, which-to coin Loner’s word- is dictatorship….and it is manipulative if we would then kick this person to the curb and ‘not be their friend anymore’ if they don’t comply with our demands. We would be controlling- in an abusive way- our friend, and that’s not what friendship is all about.

For this to be appropriate setting of boundaries we must have a reason why this word affects us negatively and we must share it with the person so they will understand why we have a problem with the word being used. We would need to say to this person how this word makes us feel, and we can’t use superficial phrases like “it makes me angry’, or ‘it upsets me’ as a reason in summary. Words don’t really affect us negatively unless we have deep rooted hurt from that word being used against us in our past. And that is what we are obligated to share with a person we are seeking to have stop use a certain word. In other words, we have to let a person IN before we can kick them OUT, or else we are at fault for the relationship having problems, not the other person whom we want to blame for not seeing good reason to censor themselves (walk on eggshells). If we don’t let the other person INTO our emotions then we are wrong to kick them out of our lives for not respected our emotions that they were not let into.

Example, we could say, ‘that word makes me feel bad because there was a time when the kids in school used it incessantly to harass me and demean me, and it brings back hurts I’m trying to let go of’. We should then expect a conversation to begin about how horrible those school days were, thus the non-use of the word is placed where it belongs –on those of days gone by- and not on the person who is currently using the word willy nilly. And talking about the skeletons of our past does wonders for being able to place appropriate blame and angers where they belong and frees us up to stop living with past hurts.

Self esteem is a personal thing though. Having good self esteem depends entirely on what makes you feel good about yourself. Some people feel good about being assholes! Self esteem gives us power! Power to continue behaving in whatever way makes us feel powerful....and as some people enjoy feeling powerful over others, they will continue to be assholes!

No matter what life path we wish to follow, it is ours to be proud of or change it so we can be proud of it. It is not what other think of our lives that gives us a great self esteem. It's what we think of our lives.

First you suggest there are two kinds of boundaries and then when Vill contradicts you, you agree with her? Makes no sense. You're both entitled to your opinions but you can't have it both ways. That's beside the point.

Frankly speaking, I'm shocked you would wade in on this subject at all. Having just had a private falling out with you, you know you are the last person I will accept advice from on this or any other topic. As I told you, I want nothing to do with you yet you keep writing to me. "Reaching out," as you call it, to someone who has repeatedly asked you not to write them is clearly a boundary violation.

However, this is a public forum and anyone can post anything they like. If you are compelled to respond it would be more appropriate to just post the book title and author and leave the interpretation to the reader. You have some nerve and zero objectivity or credibility on this subject. However, that may not be the case with the author of the book.

Believe it or believe it not, I was still trying to help you, mug that I am.

This board is for everyones use, uncluding mine.